Redemption

~Redemption~

My hands are itching to write something, and my mind is full of things I want to share.... now, to figure out how to share it all...
This past week has been interesting. But perhaps a bit of background is necessary. For my whole Christian walk I have found myself caught in that "mountaintop" experience or rollercoaster effect. This means I am happy, excited, on-fire for Jesus one day (or several), and then it slowly fades into apathy, disinterest, laziness, etc. Up, down, around, back, forth. And I'm tired of it.

So, the other day, I came to a point where inside I was miserable. Literally. I knew I was off course of what Jesus wants in my life, that I was sinning in small, seemingly insignificant ways, and neglecting the Lover of my soul. I also knew that no one else but myself knew this. The world around me thought I was still a good Christian girl, living her nice little life. But oh, how wrong that was!

This is one of the most dangerous places to be. The place where everyone around you thinks you've got it good, all is well, you are a 'great' Christian... but inside, you are the 'chief of sinners.' It's dangerous because no one will call you out on it. It's dangerous because it becomes really easy to lie to yourself and tell yourself that everything's fine, you don't need to apologize for anything, much less ask the forgiveness of Jesus for! My friends, these are lies from the enemy! The moment we even think in passing that we don't need Jesus, is the moment we turn away from Him.

The other morning, I woke up absurdly early to go snowboarding. Immediately, thoughts of irritation, laziness, depression, etc. flooded my heart and mind. I knew I was at a cross roads. It was either wallow in stupid self-pity, irritation and selfishness, or turn humbly to my God and place my tattered, dirtied heart back into His hands. Praise be to God I decided upon the latter. I seriously felt like I had been saved. Such peace flooded my soul after a simple, contrite prayer, it was (and still is) amazing.

Ever since that morning (by the way, that day was the best day snowboarding I have ever had, I learned to trust God even in little things like which lesson to take.. a complete opposite of what it could have been!), I feel like everything about my life and my relationship with Jesus is being rebuilt. It's almost like the foundation I had before was built by me and by my parents. Now, all of that has come down around me, and as I rebuild it, God is testing it with His strength, making sure that He is the center and that I truly believe it. I guess you could say that my faith is becoming my own.

My studies recently have kept me in 1John. If you haven't  read it recently I encourage you to do so! Wow, there's some good (actually GREAT) stuff in there! I've not gotten past chapter 3 yet. :) The Gospel is enunciated so clearly and concisely in 1 John and I am astounded every which way I turn.

The biggest thing about recently is that it doesn't feel like I'm on an adrenaline or emotion high right now. Most of the time when I "rededicate" my life to God, I get excited again, etc. But this time... I don't know, but it's different. I'm not holding on to every scrap of excitement or enthusiasm I can find, I'm simply resting in Jesus, allowing HIM to script each day and teach me in HIS timing, and allowing Him to teach me what HE wants me to learn. So that my faith truly is mine. Not someone else's.

Friend, if this sounds like you, then please, go before God. Allow Him to break your heart over the "little" sins. If you want to but just can't. Pray that He will make you willing. He will do it. :) I promise. Allow the cleansing blood of Christ come and wash your heart, mind, body, soul clean and pure. Allow Him to shape your days. Give Him your future. Let Him train you in discipline and honor, servanthood and grace. It is worth it and He is more than able to do it.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

1 John 1:9

"... the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin."

1 John 1:7

"For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us."

2 Corinthians 1:20

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

John 3:16